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It was Spring in San Diego, 2008. I was with some of my dearest friends from college; we went to walk and play around Balboa Park. But, something extraordinary happened to me that day; i experienced a fundamental shift in my entire perception of life.
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What lead to that day?
A lifetime worth of journeying away from my true self..
and then trying to return to it.
A few years earlier, I had discovered that "Awareness" was the key to enlightenment,
because becoming aware of what limits us allows us to transcend those limitations.
With the growth of my Awareness, I then came across a marvelous mental revelation...
~ Awareness is the essence of existence - and "Love" is the essence of pure Awareness ~
So, i had discovered the secret of the Universe. So what?
It made no difference to me because i was still unhappy. I had figured out the secret to happiness, but I just didn't feel happy. My thoughts knew the secret, but my feelings didn't feel it.
I saw no point in existing; and, truth be told, if you really let yourself be honest with yourself, you'll see there really isn't any point to anything - think about it.
Any self-honesty is what leads to the moment(s) that change(s) everything.
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There we were... in the Park. After we walking around the lush trails, we landed on our blanket next to the rose garden. As we sat to rest, i began to feel a deep pain from the bottom of my core start to twist and tense up my spine. Suddenly, right then, everyone had to go for a bathroom break, but i couldn't go. I couldnt stand or walk. I could barely talk. I was in so much pain that all i could do was stay and lay on the blanket. And, in those few minutes while everyone was gone, i underwent a revolution from within.
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As the pain was surmounting in my core, my mind was filled with the pains of existing. All at once, I just couldnt take it anymore. I couldn't hold on to the pain anymore. I hit an intense point of surrender and gave up from within.
And, in this grand moment of release, i heard my mind say "I could just die."
...and then it did: my mind shut off.
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....Then...
There were no thoughts.
There was no thinking.
My mind was utterly quiet.
And what is there, when there are no thoughts?
what is left, when there is no thinking?
FEELING.
Just pure Feeling.
And all i could feel was... ALIVE. Aliveness.
Without thoughts, all that is left is FEELING ALIVE. The Feeling of Aliveness.
When the mind stops thinking, there is no other Feeling but pure and complete Aliveness.
There was no pain - there was only Feeling Alive.
There it was, and here it still is: the energy of Life, living, Alive from within.
The feeling is pure, complete, and blissful in its pure completeness.
There is complete clarity in the complete bliss of Feeling Alive.
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Aliveness is complete in just being alive.
From the perspecitve of just being alive, all of existence is complete because it is alive.
Aliveness is the energy that makes the body living.
If you are alive, then there is Aliveness in you:
It is the beating of your heart and the breathing of your lungs.
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From this perspective, there is no point to exist - other than existing, as point of its own.
So, now I know - not from just thinking it but from really feeling it -
The point to being alive is just being alive - and Feeling Alive...
and Aliveness feels really good...
The sweet bliss of inner Life energy.
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The time during which i had no thoughts only lasted for a couple moments, but the aftermath had a drastic and immediate impact on my entire interpretation of existence.
My entire reaction to life changed; my demeanor and purpose for existing changed.
Those once reflexive thoughts of the mind that had such control over my mood, my feelings, and my behavior were now either gone or they were revealed as inconsequential.
Without the running engine of thoughts that control how we feel, we are free to feel the feeling of Aliveness.
I realized myself,
As free to feel what im feeling.
Complete in the feeling of existing,
Feeling complete in existing.
and thus i realized my purpose
is to feel the completeness of aliveness,
because thats all there is.
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For a week directly after the experience, i was so numb to the thoughts and judgements of the mind that when i stumbled upon the image of my own reflection in the mirror i didnt recognize who it was, because i was no longer inundated with a flood of thoughts that the mind projects - from judgements of identification as basic as 'that-is-desiree', to complex opinions of self including the delusions of both underapproval and overapproval of one's image. Instead, when passing by a mirror, the reflection of "me" in the mirror was now seen as just another image like any other object on the wall - like the frame holding the mirror, or the doorknob next to it.
Its all just images and reflections of existence. yet, then the simple beauty of existence can shine when you perceive it as such.
This is the experience of experiencing Pure Awareness of the Pure Awareness within - Awareness of one's own Awareness.
This experience can be accessed and experienced at all times by all people, because Awareness is the constant condition of existence.
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When the mind stops, the heart still continues. still in stillness.
when the mind quiets, one can finally feel the completeness of being alive.
In a state of no-thought, the volume is quieted on the thoughts being thought by the mind, and the frequency of thoughts are turned down low enough for one to be able to literally hear the feeling of Aliveness from within.
Inner bliss.
When one can hear that inner feeling,
one can sense that inner song,
Then one can understand its perspective and what it sees.
And what it sees is just the existence of Awareness -
In its multitude of diversifed expressions of itself.
...Different degrees of existence of awareness of existence of awareness of existence of awareness.....
...awareness of awareness of awareness...
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I aim not to recreate that moment. Rather, i aim to live fully in this present moment, and use the memory of that feeling as a reference point for accessing that feeling NOW - in each moment of the present.
It is a reminder to feel the aliveness that is within us at any & every given moment.
It is the feeling which i live to create within myself more & more each day.
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What i experienced that day is an experience that can be achieved at any moment by any person without any substance.
Nothing is needed except a deep sincere desire to be free from pain - deep and honest from within.
The pure bliss of inner presence (Aliveness) is the most beautiful feeling i have ever felt and continue to feel each day.
This feeling allows every moment to be complete, so that all other pleasures become auxilary:
i believe enlightenment is the continuous cultivation of that feeling of inner bliss as an ongoing state within ourselves.
The energy that makes me alive is the same energy that makes you alive.
It makes us one: the aliveness within.
It is our true self. .
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*May we all feel the bliss of being alive*
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